I'm Throwing My Mattress Down

I saw this scene yesterday as I was taking a walk. It felt like it represented my life, but I didn't have the words to explain how or why, so I snapped a picture to save for later.

If you only see my life from social media, you get a pretty one sided picture of what's going on. It seems that I'm living a really fun and exciting life in London and taking holiday trips to other countries, one adventure after the next. 

What you don't see is the hard things I face every day. The brokenness. 

Honestly, I'm not ok right now. The brokenness is getting to me and I'm not dealing with life so well. But I'm making steps to become ok. 

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Maybe this picture feels like my life because I have to take a break where it doesn't make sense. I'm throwing my mattress down on the sidewalk and calling a time out. It's a little ugly and messy and makes you stare and wonder what the heck is going on.  

I'm not sure of a whole lot right now, but I am sure of this-- My Abba loves me and is with me every step of the way in my hurting and in my healing. 

An Immigrant Among Immigrants

I recently went to Bible study and was a hot mess, mostly from homesickness, which is pretty typical, if I'm being honest. As we went around the room to share prayer requests at the end of the evening, I cried as I shared with them how I was homesick and missing being around for the engagement of a friend back home. I was embarrassed from crying, but thankful for a space to share my struggles.


One of the sweet young mamas in my group looked at me with tears in her eyes and said

"Alyssa, everyone in this room has family far away. Most of us weren't born in this country. We know what it feels like to miss people you love and not be there for big events back home."

At the time it didn't mean much to me, but that night as I was laying in bed processing my day, her words really stuck with me. 

I am an immigrant among immigrants. 

Though we may struggle time to time to make conversation, we have this in common and can share our stories and know they will be met with understanding. How thankful I am to be surrounded by this community of loving, hope-filled, welcoming women. 

Love On A Bus

Half term-- one of the most beautiful things when you're tired, and one of the scariest things when you've recently moved to a new country and don't know anyone. All weekly programs get canceled and you have to figure out how to fill your time yourself. A few weeks ago, I was so scared of half term. I sent an email out, asking people to pray, and the Lord answered those prayers in the sweetest, simplest, best ways possible.

Everyday during half term, my Father loved on me in really special ways, and for those of you who were praying for me, I want you do know that they were heard and answered. 

On Monday I went to Windsor Castle with some coworkers. It was a fun day, getting out of the city, doing something different, and getting a chance to spend time with fun people and eat great food. Oh, and learn some history. 

Tuesday I took the bus to get some shopping done. On the way home I was sitting on the top level of the bus and I heard someone coming up the stairs. It was a man I know from my new church here. He came and sat by me and we got to talk for the rest of the ride back home. As I was walking home from the bus stop, I was SO happy. I realized it was because for the first time since arriving, I ran into someone I know. For the first time, I began to feel like I might be able to belong here. This new place began to feel just a little bit like home. 

Wednesday was just a whole lot of love. I went to my favorite cafe here for gluten free pancakes and as I was ordering, the lady at the counter told me I had a lovely accent. If that's not an encouraging way to start your day, I don't know what is. One the bus ride home, I was sitting behind a mom and her young daughter. The girl was eating candy and looking all around. She kept looking back at me, and started making faces at me. So naturally I had to make faces back at her. After about 5 min of back and forth face contorting, she jumped out of her seat, and came to sit with me. We got to talk for 10 min or so, and as we talked, she reminded me of one of my favorite kids back home. I got out my phone to show her pictures of my American friends who are her age, which she loved. I asked her if she had heard of America, and she said she hadn't. I told her that is where I'm from, but it is very far away. You have to be on an airplane for 7 hours to get there. She had one question for me. "Why is America so far away?" I wish I knew. I wish it wasn't. 

Conversation with her was easy, simple, and good for the soul. Sometimes you feel the love of Jesus when a 5 year old choses you to be her new friend on the bus. 

Thursday we took our youth group kids bowling. I've never bowled that bad in my life. But for the first time since getting here, I felt like I could make conversation with our teenagers. I had so much fun just hanging out with them and getting to know them outside of church. 

Friday I celebrated 1 month of living in London! Hard to believe that I've been here that long. Yes, a small accomplishment, but one none the less.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! 

I feel like a bunless hamburger

Today I was wandering around the streets of London and happened upon one of the 12 locations of Five Guys throughout the city. I walked in, got a bunless hamburger, cajun fries, and a drink.

I was feeling really homesick and missing my old life, my friends, my family, driving, being able to get All In coffee and Chick-fil-A. This small little bit of American life was such a gift on a cold and rainy London day.

As I started eating my food, I began to realize I feel like my bunless hamburger. The insides are all the same, but I look really different from those around me. They have buns, but I come in an aluminum box.

Exchanging Lies For The Truth

I have to admit something. I'm really good at believing lies, and really bad at believing the truth. I guess this is true for most of us, but right now for me, it's more true than ever. I'm currently faced with a lot of uncertainty. In 2 weeks I'm moving to a new country, and will be immersed into a new culture I know so little of. All the uncertainty causes me to doubt and worry and wonder. Most the time I'm believing that when I arrive in London, God won't be there, and He won't have planned out every step of the way for me. I think I'm believing that God only exists in America. I feel like while I'm in the States I'm safe and taken care of, but as soon as I get on a plane and head across the ocean, anything can happen and I'm no longer protected by the loving arms of my Father. I realize how crazy this sounds, but in my head it makes sense. As I write this I'm laughing at how ridiculous it is and in disbelief of how real it feels at the same time.

Last week, I was reading Exodus 33, a conversation between God and Moses. In verse 14, God tells Moses "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Wow. An arrow straight to the heart. His presence goes with me. His presence doesn't stop at the US border. It goes with me on the plane, through customs, on trains, all throughout England, and wherever else this next year takes me. Wherever I go, he goes. Not only does he stay with me no matter where I am, but he promises to give me rest. What sweet music that is to my worry-filled soul. I'm so thankful he uses his Word to speak truth into my unbelieving heart.

One of my favorite phrases in the Psalms is "everlasting to everlasting". I just love the thought of what that looks like. Everlasting to everlasting. I get this picture in my head of these loops that just keep going over and over all connected in a beautiful swirling pattern. His kindness and mercy are from everlasting to everlasting. His steadfast love is from everlasting to everlasting. His grace and truth for my unbelieving heart is from everlasting to everlasting. His faithfulness is from everlasting to everlasting.

Dear friends, let us find rest in our father's loving arms which extend from everlasting to everlasting.

Love Is An Adventure

Late last summer, my life took an unexpected turn. I broke up with my boyfriend. At the time, it was horribly hard, and it still can be at times. Looking back now, it's the best thing that could have happened to me. But before it got good, it was hard. So. So. Hard.

One day in October was especially difficult. I'm not sure why, I think I was feeling really lonely and missing having a friend to hang out with all the time. I lay on my bed crying, and the only words I could get out were "Jesus, it hurts. It hurts. It hurts." Hardly a prayer, but the Father saw, and his heart couldn't stay away. He acted, he loved, he came to me-- because that's who he is.

In that moment, he gave me the sweetest vision.

Jesus was sitting on the throne in Heaven and I was sitting on his lap with my arms wrapped around his neck, weeping into his neck. He had is arms around me tightly, tears streaming down his face. From the look on his face it was so clear that he was hurting just as much as I was. Slowly and sweetly, music started playing. It was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. 

It was the song of His love for me. 

I looked up at Jesus and He smiled down at me, but then the smile turned into a little smirk and he stood up taking my hand as he walked to the middle of the throne room and started swing dancing. Out of nowhere he starts doing all these flips and throwing me in the air, and within seconds we are laughing and dancing our hearts out. Through all this, the song hadn't changed. It was still the sweet, steady, song of His love. 

I asked God what that meant, and he said he wanted me to know that my pain is real, and he sees it and it hurts him too. BUT he doesn't want us to stay there. He wants to turn my mourning into dancing! He wants to have fun and celebrate together, even if the music doesn't match the dance.

Love is fun.
Love is an adventure.
Love is trusting the one who is leading not to drop you when he decides to throw you in the air because safe is boring.
Love is crying with my Jesus, but him not letting me stay there because he turns my mourning into JOY!

Grace For The Fearful

Most of the time we read blogs of people who have radically followed Jesus into hard situations and they tell wonderful stories of how God sustained them through the hardest days. While these stories are powerful and spur you on to long to live a life of radical obedience, you don't see is the struggle and learning that lead to radical obedience. I'm sure there are people who Holy Spirit empowers to live that way without practice, but I would dare to say thats not the norm.

I am not one of those people. Living in radical obedience to Jesus is not how I would describe myself. I'm scared about what others will think. My pride is bigger than my desire obey Jesus. I don't want to put myself out there because what if I'm rejected? What if they laugh at me? 

Oh how I long for the day when the fear is gone and just love for my Jesus remains and I don't want to do anything but love him and others. 

In the meantime, he's working on my heart. He's told me these are my days of training, and boy do I need it.

Last week I was dealing with some stuff and needed to drive and pray. I usually drive out past Six Mile on back country roads, but I felt Holy Spirit tell me to drive out towards Easley. As I was driving I saw a vision of the Belk parking lot on 123 so I figured I'd go that far, then turn around and head home. When I got to the parking lot, I pulled in to turn around and looked in my rearview mirror. I saw a high school girl pull in behind me, and heard Holy Spirit say I need to talk to her. 

So I promptly turned around and started to drive home. 

I tried to rationalize the situation away.

"Jesus, it's 10 o'clock at night in a dark parking lot. I CAN'T go talk to that girl. She'll think I'm going to kill her. I don't want to freak her out!" 

About 2 miles down the road I got really worried that something was actually wrong with her and she needed help. So I turned around and went back to check on her. 

"Ok, fine, Jesus. I'll do it. I'll go check on her." I told Jesus as I was driving back to the parking lot. As her car came into view, I freaked out, missed my turn, and said "Nope. Nope nope nope. Not happening, Jesus. Sorry, you'll have to send someone else! I can't do this tonight. I've got my own issues to deal with." 

So I turned around and headed back home. 

About a mile down the road I realized how stupid I was being. I turned around (again) and headed back to the Belk parking lot. I'm pretty sure I could hear Jesus laughing at me, rolling his eyes, waiting for me to get over myself. So like the calm, cool, and collected person that I am, I started yelling at Jesus: "WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS? THIS IS SO STUPID I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! I'LL DO IT BUT I'M NOT HAPPY. WHAT ON EARTH DO I EVEN SAY TO HER?!?!" 

And then I heard the calm, peaceful voice of Holy Spirit whisper "Just ask her if she is ok. See if she needs help." 

  

I agreed. Reluctantly, I pulled into the parking lot, parked, got out of my car, and walked up to her door. She rolled down her window and I asked her if she was ok. She looked at me like I was a complete idiot and said she was fine. 

As I drove away I was actually pretty upset with Jesus. "Why did you make me do that?! She didn't even need help! What was the point?" 

He just said "Practice. I set this up for you because it was an easy one. There was nothing wrong with her, so all you had to do was obey. She wasn't in crisis. You just need to practice obeying." 

Boy, I felt like an idiot. 

And also really thankful that God knows I need practice. 

Do I have this whole obeying thing down? Clearly not. But that's not a surprise to God. He's not surprised by my fear. I pray that next time I'll obey, but if I don't, he's patient with me. He'll walk me through it and let me yell, kick, and scream until I finally give in. 

Thankful.

Thankful for a God who is patient, yet doesn't stop pushing me to grow. 

Thankful for a God who gives me safe opportunities to practice.

Thankful that one day I WILL live in radical obedience. Not because I'm such a great Christian, (because I'm not) but because Holy Spirit lives in me and empowers me to do things that are not normal. 

What are some small ways we can practice obeying?

What would radical obedience look like for your day to day life?