Give Him my hands, not my plans

Moving in with my grandma hasn't been as great as I originally thought. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE it now. But a week ago, I was singing a different tune.

2 weeks ago I wrote about how God called me to Anderson to live with my grandma. The first 2 weeks have been challenging and I was questioning why he had me in Anderson. I doubted Him and wanted to move back to Clemson. 

But today, all of that changed. 

As I was getting ready to leave for the day, I went to tell my grandma goodbye. Normally I just say a quick "peace out" and leave. For some reason, I didn't this afternoon. I sat down on the couch with her and put my head on her shoulder and hugged her. We sat on the couch like that and talked for a couple minutes. It was one of the most tender moments I remember having with her. We didn't have an extremely meaningful conversation, but she shared with me how glad she was to know I was around, even if she didn't see me a lot. Something in me clicked. THAT is why I'm in Anderson. I'm here to spend time with Mommom and love on her and be loved by her. 

All the reasons I wanted to move back to Clemson were selfish. Yeah, it is tiring to drive back and forth between Clemson and Anderson everyday. Yes, I end up bumming around between coffee shops and friends dorms and apartments while waiting for different meetings and classes. But let's be real here. I don't pay for my gas so I can't complain about driving so much I go through a tank of gas a week. I am part of the Body of Christ and I have friends who love me and I can go sit on their couch for a couple hours and get some homework done while waiting for RUF. God has called me here to bless my grandmother. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure God will bless me through her as well. 

Gap Year

With graduation fading quickly in the rearview mirror, this weekend marks the start of the controversial gap year. A year ago, as all my friends were excitedly going on campus tours and filling out applications, I was chugging through my senior year without a clue as to what I was going to do the next year. I know you don't have to know what you want to major in to apply to college, but I just didn't feel like God was calling me to go as a full-time student to college fall of 2012. I was leaning towards taking a year off, but I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I was journalling as I prayed on October 4th and God spoke to me clearer than I've ever heard before. He told me I need to live with my grandmother in Anderson.

So here I am, 10 months later, packing up my belongings as I prepare to make the 25 minute trek to Anderson as I move for the second time in my life. I have no idea what this year has in store, but I know God has a plan for me that will glorify Him.

This year is bringing a lot of change, as well. I really struggle with worry and anxiety, so if you think of me, pray for me. For the first time in my life, I'm moving out of my parents house. I'm also moving away from my friends. And when I say friends, I don't just mean the people I met in the last year or so who I hang out with. These kids are like family. I've grown up with them. We were in the nursery together at church as infants. I KNOW these people and I love them all.

I've already shed a lot of tears over all the change happening and I know there are many more tears to come. I'm convinced if crying was an olympic sport, I'd win gold. Also, if you know of an event where they want everyone crying, just call me up and I'll get the water works going real quick haha. But for real, because I worry, daily, hourly, or even every minute I have to remind myself of God's promises from Luke 12. Jesus talks about the ravens and how they don't store up food, but daily, God provides for them. Then at the end of verse 24 he says "And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Then skipping down to verse 32, Jesus says "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom." He WANTS to bless me! He is going to give me abundantly more than I need! He loves me more than I can possibly imagine. So why should I worry? 

With that in mind, I've decided to keep a blessings book. Every night, before I go to sleep, I'm going to write at least one, but probably more, ways that God has blessed me on that particular day. That way, when I start feeling overwhelmed, doubt creeps up, or anxiety and worry rear their ugly heads, I can look at scripture and see His promises and blessings there, but I can also look in my blessings book and be reminded of the ways that He has provided for and blessed me. 

I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to end this blog. I've always sucked at writing introductions and conclusions to papers, and blogs aren't much easier. There is so much more I want to write about in relation to this gap year I'm entering into and how God is faithful but it needs to be saved for a later date when I'm not in the middle of packing. So stick around for part 2. No idea when it's coming, but it'll be good!